


He's okay (really he is)

by Minkey222



Series: Peter Parker is young, dumb and reckless (and also in constant pain) [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Flash is a dick, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, blatant abuse of brackets, peter is not okay, someone please help him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 13:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minkey222/pseuds/Minkey222
Summary: Peter was okay.Sure, he couldn’t actually sit still without feeling on edge. And sure sometimes, when he lies in bed at night he feels concrete and brick and rubble pushing down and cracking ribs and fingers like twigs, he feels the water and blood and sweat dripping down his face and into his mouth and nose and he’s choking and coughing and crying until he can’t breathe. And, yeah, sometimes he looks at himself in the mirror and sometimes he doesn’t recognise himself anymore.





	He's okay (really he is)

**Author's Note:**

> So many parts to write (all half written). If you haven't read the last couple of instalments then some of this won't make sense so I recommend you should read those. 
> 
> Please like and comment (it makes me write more)
> 
> Sorry about my overuse of brackets.
> 
> Enjoy <3

Peter was okay.

 

Sure, he couldn’t actually sit still without feeling on edge (although, since the spider bite (since Ben (Since Skip)) he never really could). And sure sometimes, when he lies in bed at night he feels concrete and brick and rubble pushing down and cracking ribs and fingers like twigs, he feels the water and blood and sweat dripping down his face and into his mouth and nose and he’s choking and coughing and crying until he can’t breathe (and oh God he can’t breathe and he’s going to die, he’s going to die, he’s going to-) and when he finally,  _ finally _ , wakes up he’s shaking and delirious and he’s got blood under his nails from where he has been clawing at his skin trying to dig himself out from that Hell. And, yeah, sometimes he looks at himself in the mirror and sometimes he doesn’t recognise himself anymore (his cheekbones are too prominent and his face is sallow and, of course he’s always been skinny but he’s been losing weight (he can’t eat because it threatens to reappear a few minutes later because his stomach is always doing somersaults and knotting itself up and it can never decide if it feels hungry or if it’s sick)); but honestly he’s not sure he can recognise himself outside of Spider-man because that’s all he has to offer anymore (it’s all he’s worth for (and is ‘Peter Parker’ could crawl into a hole and die well wouldn’t that be swell and-)).

 

Okay, so maybe Peter wasn’t okay.

 

He could accept that (maybe he couldn’t but who is he kidding anymore?) but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s in AP biology, last lesson of the day and the teacher is explaining something that’s worth a whole grade but Peter can’t stop looking at the clock and his head feels like it’s full of cotton and he can’t focus on the droning voice but if he doesn’t pay attention he won't pass his finals and he can’t let May down again (cause he keeps letting her down again and again and he won't be able to live with himself if anything happened) and-

 

“-Mr Parker? Are you paying attention or do you have somewhere better to be?” 

 

And Peter realises that no, he’s not paying attention but he can’t say that because he can’t get in trouble again because he was given a warning and one more warning will mean a detention but he can’t get another detention because it eats into his patrolling time and that’s not good because what if someone gets hurt  (what if they die (what if could have helped them (what if what happens makes them want to die))) and then it’ll be his fault (always his fault) so he simply can’t have that because with great responsibility-

 

“Mr Parker, I’m waiting-” 

 

He can hear the chuckles of his classmates behind him and he ducks his head, his face heating up and he mutters a small ‘Sorry sir’ and the teacher tuts and turns back to explaining some biological function of an enzyme and God, Peter really can’t sit still but he has to and the hairs on the back of his neck are pricking up and Peter starts tapping his foot and he really can’t stop it and he’s picking at his cuticles and they’re bleeding and he can’t stop (he can’t stop, can’t stop (won’t slow down)). His mind is running at a hundred miles a minute and his heart is racing and something in the back of his mind is telling him to run and run far away, something's wrong (something is going to happen) and he needs to be far, far away when it does and Peter’s struggling to breathe in and-

 

The bell rings.

 

Peter snaps back into his own body and notices the mess he’s made of his left index finger. Blood is dripping onto the table. It’s not a lot but he can smell the coppery scent and it’s pushing him back into that alley way (back into the rubble (back in the past)) and he still can’t focus and everything is hazy and nothing feels real anymore and everything is floating past him and it feels like a dream (like a nightmare) and he knows he’s standing up along with the rest of the class and he knows that he’s walking out of the door but he can’t feel himself doing anything and it just feels like he’s along for the ride. The hallway is crowded and people push past him in a bid to get their stuff and leave and it’s a Friday which means a weekend of not having to interact with people and maybe he can go out and help and stop whatever bad thing is looming in the distance (maybe he’ll shake this feel of inadequacy) and he won’t have to worry about dealing with the overwhelming, all consuming panic that’s been building for the last few hours and he’s so close to escaping, his locker is in sight and once he gets there it’s the home straight (but his eyes are dry and he’s shaking and he can’t seem to take in anything). 

 

His hand is on his lock when the hand hits his shoulder. He supposes it’s supposed to hurt but he can’t really feel anything at the moment (-Peter isn’t in right now, leave your name and message after the beep-) but he can guess from past experience and bruises that didn’t disappear for a week (hiding from May (Flash’s one exception from his ‘no proof’ rule)) but that was before the bite and now he heals quick enough that it doesn’t really cause any problem (he’s not human anymore, that’s why (maybe he was never human in the first place)).

 

“Oh sorry, did I scare you ickle Penis Parker?”

 

Flash is too close to his ear, too close in general, and Peter can’t seem to snap out of whatever haze he’s in and he’s numb inside and out and everything is only happening to him and he’s not part of it (but the screaming part in his mind is demanding more and more attention (Peter can’t seem to gather enough will to respond to it)). Since the party Flash has decided to end whatever little truce they had had and decided to go straight back to pushing him about (somehow he seems worse now (but that’s what he gets for throwing up on his carpet. Peter deserves it anyway- what’s a little shove now and again to Spider man (Peter pretends he doesn’t feel like he deserves more punishment))). Flash’s hand is still on his shoulder and he turns him to face him. His back is against his still locked locker and his arms are full of his book but he’s still not present. His head is screaming at him to get away, that Flash is too close,  _ too CLOSE-  _ but there’s nothing he can do because his grip is too demanding and he lacks the strength to do anything (good going Spider-man (Shut up, shut up, shut up-). Flash’s breath is too hot on his cheek when he speaks and Peter’s almost certain he can smell whatever rank food Flash had for lunch and it’s making him nauseous all over again and it takes all he has in him to avoid throwing up in front of Flash again.

 

“I saw you in class today. Dozing off like you’re better than us. Like you’re some little Einstein-” Flash continues on a similar strain but Peter is forced back into his body far too quickly and his head is spinning and his breaths are too shallow and quick and everything is spinning and he thinks he’s going to be sick but he swallows it down yet again and he’s pretty sure he’s got whiplash but all he can hear is that one name echoing again and again and again in his head-

 

_ “Come on, little Einstein, it’ll be our own secret. Our little experiment, you and me, you’ll be my very own scientist.” _

 

-And he’s not breathing anymore and his heart is stammering in his chest, threatening to burst right out of his ribcage in front of the entire school (and wouldn’t that be embarrassing (yeah, ickle Penis Parker, wouldn’t that just be embarrassing?)). He can see Flash’s mouth moving but he’s not taking in any of the words but he’s sure he said something degrading as Flash looks very proud with himself and he’s laughing and the other people crowding are laughing and everyone is laughing at him because he’s weak (and worthless and should just throw himself off of the nearest building- (he stops himself right there because he can’t bear to think down that route) and it’s just adding to the pressure in his head and he feels like he’s underwater and he’s drowning right in front of their faces but they don’t even care. 

 

But suddenly someone nudges Flash in the arm and Flash looks absolutely furious and Peter shrinks away but then he sees the teacher and he loosens his grip until it looks casual (but it still hurts (but it’s grounding and Peter pretends he doesn’t like the pain too much)) and leans in once more.

 

“It’s a shame, if I hadn’t been interrupted we could have had some  _ fun _ . See you around, Penis.”

 

And that’s all that he says before pushing back against the locker a little too roughly and walks away chatting animatedly with his cronies, but Peter still can’t breathe. He’s sure he didn’t mean ‘Fun’ like the way that his mind was telling him he did but his heart still wouldn’t stop it’s escape and Peter still can’t  _ breathe _ and he’s struggling and his eyes are watering but he rubs at them harshly because he’s Spider-man, so he shouldn’t be upset over something like this (he shouldn’t still be affected by Skip but look where he is) and he needs to be strong for everything but his breaths keep getting stuck in his throat and he’s starting to panic because there’s too many people and there’s too much noise and everything seems to be happening at once and there’s nothing he can do. 

 

Phantom hands are ripping into his flesh and it takes all he has in him to run to the bathroom before he vomits what little food he has left in his stomach. He’s heaving and sobbing and he can’t feel anything and he feels everything at once and his head is pounding in time with the heaves and snot is pouring down his face and the bruise on his shoulder is starting to heat up as it begins to heal already and throb in time as well and everything it too much (and his head won't shut up-). He’s holding the toilet bowl so hard it actually begins to crack and he thinks he can’t afford to pay for any damages (he can’t do that to Aunt May (he’s already a big enough disappointment (he just deserves to disappear- Shut up, shut up, shut up-))). He pushes himself away hard and he lands clumsily on the tiled floor. Uncertain what to do with his hand he just holds himself as spit trails its way down his chin once again, his probing fingers finding the bruise on his shoulder and pressing down hard. What was slightly mottled skin turns into a deep and throbbing ache and he’s certain he’s doing some kind of damage but he doesn’t really care because it’s starting to ground him back to the dirty floor of the bathroom.

 

Peter takes a couple of deep breathes, his fingers still pressing deep into his shoulder. His other hand rubs again at his irritated eyes. His lungs stutter and start like some old car, still shaky but working. His face is flushed and the back of his neck is wet but at least he’s not so on edge anymore. The buzzing in his ears won't stop though. He takes a couple more deep breaths and tries to focus on bringing himself completely back to reality. But the buzzing still wont stop

 

The buzzing isn’t in his ears.

 

Peter’s hand reaches to the phone before he can even tell it to move; his finger pressing the answer button and bringing it to his ear before even reading the caller ID.

 

“Kid! Finally,” the voice sounds frustrated and relieved “I’ve been waiting outside for 20 minutes,” The voice on the other end is Happy and shit he forgot, the weekend at the tower with Mr Stark and oh shit, he  _ can’t _ let him know. Mr Stark will be disappointed or angry and maybe he’ll take the suit away again when he realised how much of a failure Peter is, how weak Peter is for still getting upset by something that happened years ago and oh God, Peter can’t breathe again and Happy’s talking on the phone and Peter can’t let him hear him have another panic attack on the bathroom floor and-

 

“-eter? You still there?” Happy’s voice cuts through the fog that’s creeping in and Peter tries to hold onto that.

 

“Yeah,” Peter’s voice cracks and it’s a bit hoarse from the vomit and the sobbing (etc. etc.) but he doesn’t flinch and continues on strong,

 

“Yeah sorry, Happy, I just had to work some stuff out in the Chem lab, experiment gone wrong” He awkwardly chuckles (ignoring the lump in his throat), Happy sounds unconvinced down the end of the phone but he just hums and responds,

 

“Yeah, kid, if you could just hurry up so I don’t have to deal with a Tony who’s too impatient to wait to endanger minor.” 

 

“Of course, I’ll be out in a minute. See you in a sec, Happy” and so hanging up, straightening up, brushing the general bathroom floor grime off his clothes, splashing cold water on his face, Peter does just that. He walks straight out of the bathroom, grabs his bag and out to the carpark where Happy’s waiting for him (Peter feels terrible for making him wait). Happy sees him from where he’s leaned against the side of the car and nods in his direction.

  
“There you are. Get in,” That’s all the greeting he gets (other than an odd look that he can’t be bothered to decipher (how shit does he look?)) before Happy’s climbing in the driver's seat and he’s sliding in the back, letting a breath out.

 

As they drive all Peter has in his head is a mantra of Don’t fuck this up (any more than he’s already fucked up).

 

He can feel Flash’s hands on his shoulders (He can feel Jake’s breath on his neck (He can feel Skip’s weight on him)).

 

Peter’s fingernails dig into the palms of his hand until they bleed. His other hand finds the bruise on his shoulder again.

 

The foggy feeling in his head is back.

 

He feels sick again (but he can’t ruin the car (it’s worth more than he is (he’s not worth a lot))).

 

He sees Happy looking at him in the rearview mirror so he tries to look less like a pile of crap and cracks a smile at him. It must be convincing because Happy looks satisfied and stops staring at him. Peter lets out a breath and slumps into his seat, fingers still pressing into the bruise.

So yeah, Peter was okay.

 

(No he wasn’t (still not ready to accept it though)).


End file.
